If not this, nothing.

If not this, nothing

I want you to remember that I am not the poem. I am not the words you read. If you freeze me in a poem, a story, a phrase, then I won't be anymore. I will only be a few characters arranged on a page, isolated into a single pin-prick of observation. I write in a moment. I scribble down thoughts and ideas, clips and phrases. I feel them. I hear them, I believe them, and then I transcend them. I move on by. I understand the power words have on us. I'm moved by what I read, often more deeply than by any other thing. A great moment passig through us, the reader and the author. Neither are embodied by their work.
I am not the poem.
I've been obsessive.
I've been too close to many things I've written.
I've used them, the writings, to get love. Not always romantic love, love like fame, adoration, awe, notice, attention.
Very powerful.
Living twice can be a heavy price to pay. I understand why people don't do this. It makes writers special.
I live and die a little with each piece. I write, I pass my breath along.
I forgot my support system. I flashed words around, like cash, to gather support. All around me was the support I needed.
The earth.
My God.
My pen.
The Universe.
I am interpenetrated by this world that exists, by all that exists, and they by me.
I am the blade of grass beneath your feet.
I have visions of who I am and how I can be.
My writing stays with the vision, and I fall back to Earth with a greater understanding. Again and again I read, I write, I fall, and have compassion for myself and learn to treat others kindly.
I stay on this edge, this beginning of real. Continually stopping myself with tricks and waking up from dreams.
Every other month I am ready to quit.
There is no place to go in doubt, but into negativity and pain.
I have grown a deep tenderness and determination toward writing, a sense of humor and tremendous patience.
I drop the reigns and run through green fields.
I break through the hard, solid crust and go deep, deep into places where things are born.
It can be lonely.
I ache.
I can use the energy of that ache to propel myself deeper into my need for expression. If not this, nothing.